I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately. Mostly to try to get some advice and to try to drag myself out of this funk. I know that time is my friend. I know that I need time to put the band-aids on my heart, dry all of my tears, and to get me to a place where my life revolves around me and not what happened to me or in my past. I’ve been holding back some on this blog because I know a certain someone has access to it. She knows it exists, but I do doubt she reads it. She’s trying to move on too.
All I can think about lately is how everything went wrong. How I should’ve run a long time ago from this relationship. How I could let myself fall so hard for someone. How I could have prevented it. How I could have made her stay. How I can keep her from dating someone else. Wondering if she’ll ever come back. And the more I think about these things, the more it depresses me. I have no control over anything or what she does or who she sees. I’ve been down this road before, with her. I’ve gone through the break-up with her…three times actually and this last time was back in June. How does her actually moving out feel worse than all three of the break-ups combined? Probably because it really does mean its the end. It wasn’t the best or a healthy relationship. I’m sure we both have perfect partners out there waiting for us that are not each other. But right now, I miss her. My thoughts are all her. And its driving me insane because I just feel like I’m walking through a mist like a zombie. I feel like as long as she has my heart, I won’t be able to truly be happy. I need to take it back.
So I’ve been trying to shift my focus from her and the things I can’t control (such as her dating someone else) and switch them to something that I can control. Cuz I really need some positive thinking in my life. One article I read said to imagine yourself five or 10 years from now and what your life would look like. Or to pick out a woman on the street that was older than you and start imagining all the things that fill her life such as her likes, dislikes, family, hobbies, friends, apartment, etc. And imagine that your life will be filled with such things in the future also. Heartbreak can last a life time but the majority of it only lasts a small part of your life as you try to re-calibrate and re-balance yourself and move on.
I realize that this relationship does not define me. That I have the potential to be a better person. And if (not saying that I wish this b/c thats the furthest from the truth) the future brings us back together, I’ve learned my lessons and have grown from that experience. But I’m not focused on a future with JP. Just focused on survival right now.
So in 5 years, where do I see my life? What do I want to accomplish? Who is the person that I want to truly be? Here’s my list. It’s not a goal list, but more of a wish list…like pipedreams that I hope come true:
- Be more confident in myself (mind and body)
- Have the ability to sew (drapes, clothes, fun things) and make this my hobby
- Surrounded by good friends and good people … building a strong support system
- Have a strong (er) career … focus on the aspects that are important to me and get to that next step
- In love ❤
- Starting a family with my own little munchkins on the way
- Be more patient and optimistic
- Regularly exercise (5ks are ok)
- Regularly dance and sing at the top of my lungs
- Be debt free (cc’s and loans)
- Active in volunteerism (finding a cause that is important to me and giving back)
- Spending a lot of time outdoors (camping, concerts, gardening, bicycling)
- Spending lots of time with my family and spoiling Sir Caiden
- Have an apartment (2 bedrooms) in Andersonville or North Center
- Using my creativity as an outlet to DIY design my fabulous apartment
- Have financial security and be able to make purchases when I want them and not wait to buy
- Freelancing or writing in this blog … anything to continue writing
- Be more positive and SMILE more.
- Be able to accept rejection with grace and see the positive in old relationships.
- Appreciate life. Appreciate the little things. Appreciate the people in my life.
- Support the people in my life
So, that pretty much sums up what I hope my life is like in 5 years. It’s a long list but also a brief list. I just want to be happy. I think thats the core of it. I want to be confident in myself and be happy. I want to enjoy my life and not waste another tear on the past or things that are not under my control.